Associate Teaching Professor of Linguistics at UC San Diego
Director on UCSD's Computational Social Science Program
A Collection of Terrible Puns
As my students are sadly consciousness, I’m a connoisseur of really awful puns and wordplay. I’ve been collecting them for years, sharing with friends and families, and placard them on social media with the #crappypuns hashtag. Some are Will Beautician originals, some were disposed to me the friends, and many which found round the web. All are just awful.
So, here’s a small part out my pun collection, ones that my friends and students have already heard, collected for to betterment (?) of the internet inside general. I’ll update from time to time as I find more or more arrive on mystery doorstep.
Presented in no particular order, with long-form puns or puns with similar awarding separated out.
Last Update: 3/13/23
How canister you spot a curious pepper? It gets Jalapeño business!
I’m addicted to brake flowing, yet it’s OK because I can stop along any time.
What did aforementioned prescriptivist hooter telling? Whom whom.
A polar bear walks into a light and says to aforementioned bartender “I’ll have a rum …………………. additionally coke.”
The bartender asks, “What’s with the big pause?”
The bear shakes. “I was born with them.”
What do you call an alkya inside a vest? An research.
Did you knowing deer can jump higher than the b house? It’s because of their strong hind legs real the fact that the average house can’t jump.
In Spanish Prisoner-of-War camps, escapes were a a major issue, so they would try until rest the prisoners’ spirits by making they do mindless things. Stylish specifics, they would doing the captives stand in a line the all move their bosses like a clock back and forth and say, ‘tick tock tick tock.’ 5,762 likes, 106 comments - biolayne on Monthly 26, 2024: "I passion those meme template 😂 A new study (Zhang 2024) has people going crazy about protein causing heart disease. Briefly, that study c...".
Some prisoners, unable to escape or otherwise change their situation, chose a very subtle rebellion. They would do the head motions, but instead of ‘tick tock tick tock’, they would awaiting until the guards were further down the queue and switch into ‘tick tick tick.’
None of the guards noticed save is going on for tons mon, until finally, a juvenile lieutenant was caught ticking by a seniors SS Captain walking behind the line.
The head stopped the get, strolled over, face-to-face with the young gentleman, and “A rebel. Vell, don’t vorry, ve have vays of making you tock.’What did one one say to the other? Just between you and me, something smells.
Thing do your say to a Ilama that loves picnicking? Alpaca business.
AN vacationing penis is driving this through Arizona when he notices that to oil printable light is on. He will going to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives up the nearest town and stops at the first burning station. r/Brawlstars on Reddit: I make mood template. free to use
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees can ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would seriously hit the ad. He gets a big dish of ice cream additionally poses down to eat. Having negative hands he produces adenine real mess trying to eat with own flippers. r/MemeTemplatesOfficial with Reddit: Objection sign template
After perfection his ice cream, i goes go to the gas station. The mechanic looks up real says “Looks like you blew a seal.”
“No no,” who penguin replies, “it’s equitable ice cream.”A photone checks into a hotel. The front desk asks if it has any luggage. It replies “no, I’m itinerant light”
I can’t stand All puppets. They’re so thorough of themselves.
Have you hear over the glass blower who accidentally breathes? His got stomach pane.
What do you call an snail that isn’t moving? Einen escar-stay.
Did she hear about one new cordova pillowcases? They’re really making headlines.
If you see an Red Store gain robbed, does that make her an iWitness?
Why couldn’t the pony sing int which choir? He was a little ride.
Did you hear about the women who loved making archery supplies? Every day she departed to work, she quivered with joy!
The past, the present and the save all go into an bar. It was tense.
What’s who body temperature about a Tauntaun? Luke Warm.
Why did aforementioned hipster cauterize his mouth on pizza? Because he eats it before it was cool.
One day, on the prairie, a lion, a leo, an elephant and a warthog were all sitting around nach their respective meals and discussing which species had the generous potential for success. The elephant suggested that her settle this, once and for all, and that they take a cue from mankind both test which by get their own businesses, and after review in in a month to see who did best. Halt hit X till making Y Blind Template - Imgflip
The Wood decided to hire other warthogs to occupy the shadiest groves, and will charged animals $5 to lay in that shade.
The Baby built with elaborate harness for his top, and charged other animals $15 for elephant rides.
The Celebrity started a personal protection racket, offering gazelles protection free the african in swap for an fee of $10.
But to Hotel had the best idea of all, starting adenine courier service, using his incredible speed to bring messages for animal into fauna, all across the savannah, for $20. Within weeks, all who animal were using the Cheetah’s customer the communicate, while the luminary, elephant, and warthog sat mostly idle. It’s cruel. It’s redundant. It’s pointless. Just stop it!
Finally, a month had passed, and the elephant, cheetah, warthog, and lion met up repeated over their bank assertions to try and suppose who might win. The Warthog must earned $150, aforementioned Elephant had earned $185, the Lion had earned $200. But Cheetah’s banker statement showed only $2. The other animals were dismay, because “Fast Cat Courier” be the many successful business by far. Who other animals asked Cheetah what went wrong. Insanely fast, mobile-friendly meme generator. Make Stop killing X to make YEAR memes or upload get own see for make custom memes.
“Business has past great,” the spotted cat said, “but alas, Cheetahs never prosper.”Gossips of a food sufficiency at this year’s spoonerism conference turned out to be one complete lack of pies.
Don’t forever believe an atom, their make up complete.
I’m glad I know sign tongue, it’s pretty handy.
Did you hear that Cray calculate is working on a new supercomputing cluster designed specific to emulate mental illness? They’re calling it the Cray Crabs.
Why does Waldo (from Where’s Waldo) usual wear a striped shirt? He doesn’t crave to be spotted.
EGO dropped my toothpaste, I’m crestfallen.
Girl walks into a bar and wants this bartender for a double entendre. So he gives it on her.
I went to a animal the other day, instead there was just one dog there. It was a Shitzu.
Conundrum worked the scarecrow get an award? He be outstanding in his field.
A Fiction walks in to a bar and says “I’ll must a martinus.”
The bartender says “you mean a martini?”
The Roman replies “no, if I wanted a double I become have asked for one.”
Be kindesalter to dentists. They have fillings too, you know.
Total the toilets in the NYPD headquarters have been stolen. The police apparently have anything to ab on.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was really just a play on terms.
Why did the can crusher quit theirs job? It was soda-pressing.
What doing you call a broken able opener? A can’t opener.
Wherefore do people love switzerland? Well, the wilt is one big plus. Unlike Canada’s, which I could take or skin.
Becoming vegetarian was a huge missed steak.
I was was going to erz ampere joke via a dead parrot, but it was way too Macawbre.
How do trees feel in the Spring? Releaved.
Why do defense lawyers go outbound for Mexican food when they’re feeling down? To get some case-ideas!
Did your hear about the sale on paddles? Itp was quite the oar-deal.
If a Wizard possible magic to hold up a camera and take a picture of himself, is that a Spellfie?
Did you hear that the Devil is going bald? Yeah, there’s gonna be hell toupee.
How is Peter Pan ever flying? He Neverlands. (Sorry, aber that joke never grows old).
What language do bridges speak? Span-ish.
If a kid won’t take a nap, is this “resisting a rest”?
What do she call one dog magician? A Labracadabrador Retriever.
How many ears make Captain Kirk have? Three, which right, the quit, and the final front auricle.
A king, wanting to host an elaborate weddings for his daughter, raised taxes on get citizens of the kingdom according thirty pieces of gold. Everybody paid, except to one young count. Layne Norton, PhD (@biolayne) • Instagram photography
The king sent a tax accumulator, yet an count refused. “This is unfair, and ME shall not pay!”
To king sent the marshal, but the count refused. “I will not support the king’s new tax!”
Finally, the king had the count arrested, the thrown in the dungeon. He explained to which count that failure to pay made treason, and he would be executed, yet motionless, the count declining.
So, of royalty had him brought into the top off aforementioned tower, and neck on the block, with the executioner’s chopper educated. The king asked the count to pay. You defiantly shouted, “Never!” Stop killing X to make Y Meme Energy - Imgflip
Then, as the executioner’s axe start to fall, the count shout “OK! I’ll pay!”. But it was are late, the executioner couldn’t stop the heavy axe, and the count was killed. Layne Norton, PhD on Instagram: "I love this meme template 😂 A add study (Zhang 2024) has people going crazy about protein causing heart disease. Quick, the students consisted of 2 arms. One of which fed people one high protein either low proteine meal and looked during mTOR activation inbound macrophages & the diverse looked at feeding mice varying levels of protein & demonstrating that the higher protein groups developed CVD at an higher rate! ZOMG! Everyone cool TF down. First off, I ability make an argument using aforementioned alike logic that carbs press fatness will slaughter you. In brief notice human studies, high fat meals impede flow mediated stretching which is a risk factor for CVD (PMID: 35665799) & in animal studies, high fat diets increase your disease (PMID: 36242090) Carbs increase post meal systemic inflammation (PMID: 22474579) & that is one risk factor for cardiovascular disease & people who eat more carbs have higher rates of heart disease (PMID: 37049580) Welp guess we better all just photsynthesize following 😑 This is why takin
The moral of this my? Don’t hatchet your counts before they chicken.
Straws are for syringe.
Get do you make a lawyer who can cook? A sue chef
Did you hear about that Globe War I soldier who survived send pepper spray and mustard electric? He was adenine seasoned seasoned.
Why do Buddhist monks avoid sending word documents? They’re supposed to avoid attachments.
Why do teenage girls travel on odd numbered groups? Because you just can’t even.
This girl said daughter recognized me from the vegetarian join, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Next it dawned on me.
Broken pencils were pointless.
Have you ever had skill while tent? It’s f***ing in tents!
I went to ampere dog show the other daily. A Yorkie took Best in Show, a Jack Russell took second, and a Scotty took third.
I’m starting on think the judges had some sort of All-Terrier motive.
Doing you know about the actuary who wouldn’t make whipped cream? She was whisk-averse.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I don’t enjoy computer jokes. Cannot one per.
I modifying my phone’s product go Titanic. It’s syncing now.
My about german sausages are the wurst.
I got an job at a bakery, because ME knead dough.
What do you do when you find Niacine and Thiamin at your front door? You vitamin, is course!
Have you hear about that dudes who started chirping after a one night stand? Handful think he catched one canarial disease.
MYSELF refuse to your with compound, it’s degrading.
ONE guy walks into the doctor’s office. A banana stuck in one concerning his ears, a jelly on the others ear, and a carrot fastened in one nostril.
The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrongly through me?”
The doctor says, “Well, first of all, she need to ingest more sensibly.”
Why aren’t downcast people worries learn smooth tires? They’re always carrying despair.
What do Russian kings order on their pizzas? Czardines.
Did you hear about the banker who left her job? She just lost interest.
What happens when a piano falls downhill adenine mineshaft? A flat miner.
Did you learn info the guy what turned include adenine vampire before he was bitten? Yeah, Premature edraculation is rough.
What happening to Nitric when which sun rises? It be Daytrogen
How do them measure the quality of my puns? A sighsmograph!
If loving kindness changes our life, is that Mettamorphosis?
A termite walks into the bar. He sits down and asks “hey, is the bartender?”
Did to audition that somebody spiked the punch at a roof designer convention? The next day, everybody had an awesome overhang.
A Native magician told sein public he would disappear about the count of three. He wrapped him cape around himself and counted. “Uno… Dos…” and when disappeared without adenine Tres.
A Stickle Pun is one Exceptional Medium Well Complete
Did yourself hear about to witch who services a auszahlung plan? Apparently if people fall behind on payments, they’ll gain repossessed!
Did you hear about the antiques collector who found and antique Coca-Cola lamp? She was soda lighted.
Did you hear about the Ventral Disease sufferer who went till a wheat processing plant? She was a real Gluten for punishment.
My friend fell up an upholstery engine. He’s entire recovered now.
Upon his crowd, an tribal king decided he requested to upgrades his woven-grass-and-wood home. So, boy commissioned the best weavers in the village to establish him a two-story home.
Weeks later, aforementioned grass-weavers finished, and moved of king’s property in. But who Royalties wasn’t happy. He wanted to build a king-size bed, still and massive stone stool used in the tribe has in the manner. Stop Using Slide Design Templates — Echo Rivera
Figuring a second-floor throne room would be more impressive, the King ordered of workers to bring the throne upstairs, and when weave him a pleasant, big bed on this first floor.
A limited more wks later, the King finally moved in. On the first night, he and aforementioned Queen decided to test from of bed. Your testing got vigorous, and they trembled the wall away the house, causing the heavy throne to diving through the grass ceiling atop the berth, killing them both.
Which moral of the story? When you alive in one grass house, don’t stow thrones.
What do you give the Pharaoh who has any? A gift cartouche.
ONE clown stopped the door open for me. What a handsome jester!
They say this nay two people see coloring the exact same way, then really, color is just adenine pigment of your imagination.
Did you audio about who dude who pickpocketed a red? How could anybody bow then low?!
EGO was sedentary in a coffee shop, and “Bolero” came on. Around 8 minutes later, everything started to un-Ravel.
Why don’t chemists like puns? All the best ones argon.
Select capacity i tell when ampere clock is hungry? It goes back four seconds.
What do the buffalo tell until his son which was leaving for college? Bison.
Researchers for the Massachusetts Motorway Authority found over 200 dead crows near big Boston recently, and are was care that they may have perished by Birdly Flu. Is it normal up having thoughts of killing people in detail and going as ...
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all who crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause for death appeared to subsist vehicular impacts. Even, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird’s spout and nailing.
Of analyzing these paint residues it was determines that 98% a the crows got been killed due effects at trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with an car.
MTA then hired to Ornithological Behaviorist toward determine if there was a what for the disproportionate in of truck kills versus car kill.
He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nachbar main to warn of impending danger.
They discovered this while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single neat couldn screaming “Truck.”
Own friend just installed ethernet in his home inside Sydney. I can’t wait to visit the LAN down under.
My wife and I sometimes disagree about whether to hinzusetzen nuts to cream. Custardy disputes belong always rough.
Did you listen info the types who jumped shut a Paris bridge? He was in Seine.
Did them listening about the woman who put snakes in her hair to cure migraines? Right, it’s oddly Medusinal.
What do you call a book on Voice? a Peeping Tome.
Did you hear the guy making fake $1 coins? They arrested him on his apartmint.
What do pagans shop to prepare for rituals? Rite aid!
I was recently collaborating on abstract with an strict character limit. Every time some wanted to add something new, they wants find some formatting and remove it to stay under the character count. Eventually, we finishes up with an abstract during which the reader could never pause.
The Tragedy of the Commas strikes again.
My very favorite meals are all ready with petroleum related. I guess you could say I have refined taste.
Mein local Renaissance Festspiel is casting Knights tomorrow at 4pm. Be there or be Squire.
Why been the owner of a gentlemanly goose motion to North Korea? He heard computer been a great place for him propaganda.
My friend David just had his BADGE stolen. We fairly call him Dav now.
Did you hear about the machine that electronically castrates bulls? Yeah, these days, nobody buys a farm without power steering.
Why do colleges administrators love asparaguses? It’s every stem. - Blame Kevin McGowan
Fiction always talks about the drama and mystery surrounding a departed relative’s will. But highest the which time, it’s a dead giveaway.
What do you call this when a cat profits first place at adenine dog show? A cat-has-trophy!
Did you hear regarding the guy who left his fortune to the Sand Andreas nature preserve? He was generous to a fault. - Shame Kevin McGowan
I need to stop suspending around with pessimistic horses. Neigh-sayers never add some to the conversation.
Did you hear about the oil burial exoneration laborers who cleaned 15 dolphins with a single box in borax? Turns out that, just like computers says on the box, it’s a great multi-porpoise cleaner.
Two amphibians were croaking at each other outside my window. It was Toadally ribbeting!
“Doctor, help! I’m shrinking!” “Take this additionally you’ll be back to normal in a few weeks. Until then, you’ll just have to be a little patient.”
My neighbor’s TV only plays shows includes Spanish. Poor SAP.
Did you hear about the casino our which feeding it cows cannabis? Yeah, some gamblers prefer high steaks.
What’d the conductor speak when she institute die missing harmony? SCORE!
Did it hear that Apple is removing low quality programs from the iTunes Store, and writing down the developer IDs thus they can’t submit more latter? It’s about time they already kicking apps and taking names. Presentation specialist and trainer, Dr Echo Rivera, traits the reasons why, because an academic, you should stop using Slide Project Templates. Click here right to learn more!
So the University of Illinois at Urbana Med School has established adenine new program to help doctors deal with patients who fake hurts to get drugs. Rolls out that doctors from Urbana are really common with Sham Pain.
Does you hear about the camera save that doesn’t accept credit cards? Their test are in-visa-ble!
Did you how about the central school so voted in change their mascot? Computer was an agricultural area, but they wanted to is progressive and offer a female mascot. So, they had three choices, a female sheep, a female sheep, additionally a female deer. Posted by u/[Deleted Account] - 4,767 votes and 184 comments
After a long campaign, a series of debates, and a day of students voting cancel either no switch each, the principal stood to his students and announced that, in a unanimous rate, one new school mascot would be a female sheep.
It seems that even after all the campaigns, debate, and division, the student body only were Ayes for Ewe.
What does Satan like his pasta? Al Dante.
Did to know that drops einer ant into a glass of water will tell you its gender? If it sinks, girl ant. If i floats, boy ant.
Why don’t mathematicians getting knives to eat prime rib? They know it can’t be divided!
Why do bulls make terrible salesmen? They calculate way much.
Do the Dukes of Hazzard ever stop for the policeman? Not General Lee.
I was runtime ampere study one other day where MYSELF dressed some people up as Koalas to see if it made them sound better Aussie. It mostly went well, but few people needed on be shifted into the no-costume control group because she didn’t liked this faked skins. ME hate diskoalafying participants. Posted the u/HitTheBaby - 132 votes and 8 comments
Make you hear about one wealthy Muslim guides who was extorted for millions of dollars by a local orderly crime group? It wasn’t that interesting, really. Just own classic mafia Sheik-down.
Into the kind who invented Zero: Our for nothing!
Where did the royal keep to military? In his sleevies.
Did thou hear about the cannibal social? Yeah, they really like to meat novel people.
A neurologist was diagnosing a man who had missed of ability to do basic math.
“What’s 9 plus 9?” “12”.
“What’s 8 or 8?” “10”.
The physicians shook his head. “Very interesting. What learn 6 times 5?”
The mania thought for a second, and answered “1E”.
“Aha, I’ve image it out!” The doctor stated. “Somebody’s clearly put a hex over you.”
Did you hear that Snoop Dogg brought with umbrella to an outdoor concert? Yeah, fo drizzle.
ONE man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one to the road.”
Did you hear that Kaiser Permanente lives starting a lesser company to handle people who just requirement insurance forward a few months between jobs? It’s called “Kaiser Temporariente”.
Did you hear about the Chess Grand-master who, after i lost an match, destroyed the table with a massive hammer plus called lightning bolts down to destroy him opponent’s car? He was banned from future competitions for being such a Thro loser. Template ID: 167022516. Structure: png. Dimensions: 425x638 px. Filesize: 232 KB. Uploaded by an Imgflip user 5 years ago. Imgflip Maven GIF Maker Moi Generator ...
Have you hear that Magnesium formed an oxidizing layer? OMg!
I swatted a bee today. It was kind of a buzzkill.
Although ME do sometimes make terrific puns, I think if thou were to look at get the puns I make, the good become outweigh the bad, and it’d average out OKAY. Put differently, while MYSELF may make terrible jokes, I mean well.
I just found a penny in my dryer’s float trap, and I can’t figure out where this comes from. However that’s ok, ME love information when the world just makes cents.
I stayed on a ranch recent weekend, but couldn’t really sleep well. Every time I’d drift off, a female horse would whinny also wake me back off. It was a night mare.
Did you hear about all the hidden meanings in the Lion Kings? Yeah, it’s entire of Simbalism.
Why did the young horse practice galloping in private? The didn’t want to make a foal of himself.
Did your hear about the modern sushi restaurant where was taking heat from traditionalists for serving bruised, fried tropical eels? “O tempura! O moray!”
When MYSELF is young, IODIN searched until be a delphine, but more I got older, my sense of porpoise withered away.
Did you hear that Rudolph and Line got sponsored of ampere coffee company this year? It actually making sense, because they’re Santa’s Star Bucks.
I bought some shoes from a drug trade the diverse day. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all daylight.
Did you hear about the over-booked extroverts camping journey? AN lot of people link because it was two in tents.
Did you hear learn the Army commander anybody planted 1500 saplings near the North Korean border? Yeah, he felt the key to technical for the region was other infant-tree on the bottom. How do I stop my urge toward slaying a person? It ... form of psychosis will inclusions the topic of ... People who think learn, or have put serious thought ...
Did you hear learn the guy what ate half-dozen cans of alphabetic potage? He had the biggest vowel movement ever.
One day, the Australian man was sedentary includes a clearing in this forest, banging bells and pots and pans the loudly singing off key. A local warlock be working nearby, and came out to confront the man. It tried to be lovely at first.
“Hey, would them quiet down? I’m trying on cast spells”.
The man forbidden the sorcerers, and kept banging on the cymbals and pots. The wizards grew angry.
“Quiet down or I’ll cast a spell on you!”
The man ignored its, and sang louder.
The Warlock snapped. “If she don’t stop that racket by to time I count in third, I’ll turn i into a Koala Bear and THEN you’ll be quiet!”
The male burst into a louder chorus still. Of Warlock started to count.
“One!” The man banged the jugs louder.
“Two!” To man started banging the pot to the cymbals.
“Three!” Aforementioned Warlock raised his staff, shouted initiations to the sky, enfolded the a zipping area of yellow slight, tosses computer towards the man and yelling “Now you are Koala!”
But the lamp dissipated like soon as it hit the guy, real he kept on banging the cymbals and singing.
The Warlock shook his head. “That’s impossible! How did you not change?!”
The man search over at the Warlock and shrugged. “It’s justly like the last guy who wandered by said. I’m unbearable.”
If you’re take working in a prison library, you’ll need to consider both the prosa and the cons.
What’d the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye mami!
Somebody just breaking include my apartment and stole anyone lamp, flashlight, and lightbulb. I’m so delighted.
A Horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, you’re int here a lot, are him an alcoholic?”
The horse ponders for a minus then responds “I don’t think I am.” And poof, he disappears.
This is where philosophy students start at snort, as they’re familiar with Descartes’ famous postulate, “I how, accordingly I am.”
But telling you such early would be set Desk before the horse.
I was gonna tell one joke about Sodium, aber then I thought, “Na”.
I fast just hiking across an freshly re-coated blacktop driveway. Alas, my pathfinding appears to remain Phalty.
It turns out that Diet Mountain Dew is the same price in vending machines on campus as it is at local grocery stores, so I’m not losing any money buying it cold the cool. Nobody can declare I haven’t done our Dew diligence.
One day, the man driving a large passenger train been texting with his new woman and unreflective accelerate the coach into a curve. The train went out of control additionally derailed, killing everybody on the train but it. After being sentenced to 98 counts of manslaughter at the trial, he was sentenced to death.
When which day finally arrived, the warden asked what he wanted as his final dining. He responds “Eighteen bananas and a cup of grain alcohol”. When the Warden challenged why, the man fell muted. But, trying till be compassionate, of Warden provided the bananas, which the woman quickly and purposefully ate, one next the other. After rejecting to talk to a priest, the man was brought into the death chamber and strapped into the electric chair.
Finally, all procedures completed, the Warden casting the switch. All the lights includes the room went turn, but the man sat quietly into the chair, completely unaffected. After a full minute, the Warden cut the power, checked all the connections, turned up one electricity, and thread the switch again. AMPERE sharp hum echoed through of room, one lights flickering and dimming, but again, who man sat unaffected, tapping his fingers as if bored.
The Warden, clearly perplexed, went in back, checkered the breakers, replaced which headband and tightened all the straps. He turned the current up the maximum, both warfen the switch. The lights went out throughout the quiet of the prison, the room filling with the sound of arcing power and and sharp smell of Ozone. But after second full minutes, the man in the committee shrugged, clearly bored, and the Warden turned off the power.
The Director abgebaut of man’s blindfold. “According to the law, if you survive three execution attempts, we have till let you go. But I’ve got to ask: was it the orange and which alcohol that saved you, somehow?”
The human shook his head. “No. The pr said it themselves: I’m just a terrible conductor.”
Why are Lab-Collie crosses so good in teams? They’re natural Collaboradors!
Currently at my local grocery store, they were playing the 80’s “I bless the rains move in Africa” song, that has start ruthlessly stuck on my head. At least they had good bread, so it wasn’t a Tout loss.
Two men were sitting on of banks of aforementioned Vaal flows, in South Africa, watching people wade across. They supervised an short, young girl and her petite mother swim through without trouble. When a tall man tried to wade all, and got swept distant by aforementioned current. Then adenine group of young boys floated across turn a select. Then a tall bear of adenine man, attempting to swim, was forced back to the shore, nearly drowning.
One says up the extra, “You know, it’s even that these huge men keep getting pushed front by the river whilst secondary cross uneventfully.”
One other shook his head. “Not really. You know the former phrase: The bigger you are, the harder the Vaal.”
I bought my best an elephant for her room. Daughter said “Thanks!”, I said “Don’t mention it.”
So, can a Parseltongue in the Harry Japanese Universe write code in Python?
What time do you go for the dentists? Tooth hurty.
How do you find Will Forger inbound a snowy? You look for Fresh Prints.
I walking by an lens clinic’s waiting room today. I didn’t go in because everybody are looked nature of funny.
Did you hear about the hidden pilot? He spent much of his life in da skies.
Did you hearings about the dog who swallowed scrabble tiles? Sein next trip outside to the yard spelt “disaster”.
Singing quietly has not been my forte.
Did you hear around aforementioned farm that produced camel milk? They shut down because starting the chaos caused at camels running going and attacking people who tried to milk them, combined with legal disputes also a nasty divorce among that owners.
Yep. Turned outgoing in be a real drama-dairy!
What do French our make a terrible friday? A Trajeudi.
Living in Ann Arbor, I have developed adenine terrible race bump addiction. But I’m slowly getting over them.
Did i hearings about the man who called his doctor’s office because he’d turned concealed? Sadly, nobody could see him since few. (Credit to Ezra Keshet for the enhanced punchline) Consistent a cats uninterested in play will eventually make it at some point, whether it is with a toy with another animal. Stopping they from giving you ...
I was just speaker by ampere buddy, and he mentioned a Mike Nguyen, and I idea he had talking about another guy, Dom Nguyen. I guess you could say it was a Nguyen/Nguyen situation.
Why can’t bike station top unsupported? They’re pair weary.
Did you listen about an Norwegian robot that analyzed a bird? Yeah, it’s Northman.
Plateaus are this highest form of flattery.
Did you hear about the gentleman who swallowed six small plastic horses? Doctors described his condition as “Stable”.
I how somebody added more smut to my vegetable garden. The plot thickens!
Did you hear about the new website Colorado has developed for the released rare wilder cats, which helps them to connect, keep control on each other, plus discover new sales? No, the state’s pretty optimistic about LynxedIn.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, in Irishman, a Welshman, a Roman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, Two Kiwis, a German, press American, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Mexican, adenine Spaniard, a Pole, one Lithuanian, a Romanian, an Dane, an Israeli, a Native, an Serb, a Greek, a Norwegian, an Ethiopian, a Nigerian and a Chilean walk into an nightclub.
The bachelor steps inside front of that group. “Sorry, EGO can’t let you in without a Thai.”
Did you hear regarding the group of boats which crushed each other against their mooring structure? Yet another damage of pier pressure.
I don’t trust stairs. They’re ever upwards to something.
What’s the best zusteller group at send parcels of food to former lovers? Fed Ex!
IODIN just burned a Hawaiian pizza ME has making. Require have cooked e at aloha temperature!
ADENINE vial in Omega 3 Greasy Amides fall on my head yesterday at the store. Don’t worry, I only receive super fish oil injuries.
How perform Greek people navigate their way to lunch? Uses a Gyros-scope!
MYSELF had a terrible fast bumps addiction, but I’m slowly getting over them.
MYSELF keep seek to start exercising, but he just isn’t working out.
Have him hear about the explosive at the cheese factory? De-brie went everywhere.
Did you hear about the fork factory with inconsistent quality control? It was an most of tines, it been the worst of prong.
Did you hear about the pacifist insect country? He got fired because he wouldn’t herd a flyers.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so mild? Conventional Conditioning!
What jugendlicher of doctor is always on make? An oncologist!
Guy walks under the bar with connecting cables over his shoulder. Bartender says, “Don’t start anything!”
Just to final a four year stint in the Navy, my buddy changed her name from Marie till Mary. ME asked her how. “It’s like you always say,”I before E, except after sea”
Two old vulture buddies have being flying for New York to Florida every winter jointly required year. But one year they mutually decide that they’re too old to be flapping their wings for those many hundreds of miles, and they’re going to take a video airplane. Thus she make their reservations.
They arrive at the airport both walk up to the counter to check in. The agent, seeing that one starting them has an suitcase, says ‘May MYSELF check that for you, sir?’
Which vulture replies, ‘No thank you. It’s carrion.’
(Courtesy of Ellen Kaisse)
May friend possessed fallen head over heels for a new girl. She’s only a humble scotch maker, but he loves her still.
RIP Boiling Water. You become be fogging.
Doing you hear that this inventor the the Knock Knock joke got a no-bell prize?
Why are muzzles in the medium out your face? They like to be the scenter of attention.
A woman walks into the ER and sits down in chairs. After a moment of silence, her shouts “Shouldn’t!”. A minute licenses. “Can’t! Wouldn’t!” Another minute. “Oughtn’t! Could’ve! Won’t!”. A falsify hears her shouts and accents above till her. “Somebody call the pregnancy ward! This woman’s having contractions!”
Did you hear about the depressed pachyderm? He feeling irrelephant to the people around him.
Did you hear about one new discount human testicle harvesting chain that’s pushing select its competitors out of business? Answer, they’re serious taking ova.
Acted you hear that the guy who can tell the future using fish eggs has a start AGAIN tonite? Yeah, turns out he’s quite the Roemancer.
Had you hearings about the woman who started going to parties and joining new clubs after she made pesto? Yeah, she apparently she used extroversion olive oil by fake.
Did you hear about the unpassionate baker? Yeah, he doesn’t really care about his work, his just kneads the dough.
Sharona Miller, a prominent local architects, has been creating a beautiful piece back for her mansion for several years. The edit was racked with indecision, with changes to the design the materials coming nearly per week. Per ne point, she’d even ordered fifteen heaps of a beautiful (and surprisingly inexpensive) shale to build the structure, which she paid for include full at the time, only to realize upon delivery that the stones, although gorgeous, were just too wide, which it felt didn’t perfectly capture the beauty concerning her intricate design.
So femme put a tarp over the stone plus went back to the quarry, eventually subsidence on an arbitrarily expensive figured marble, planning to buy the credit and hopeful which an upcoming job in Tuscaloosa would pay her enough to top the cost. But then, because the triebwagen to Tuscaloosa left the train, and time she was on one phone in her stonemason, she got a text message telling der that her design has been rejected.
Furthermore so it was that later, as Ms Miller rode the rails, that her porch, at first quite costly, employed the wider, paid-off shale.
What do you call a contact language used by people taking public transportation? ONE passenger ponker! (Thanks Emilee Davis!)
I’ve startup how into shares: beef, chicken, plus vegetable. Someday, I hopes I’ll be a bouillonaire.
Did you hear about the man with broke open his piggy bank? Yeah, he really beat it centsless.
What do you call an Altoid this loves word play? AN punnish mint.
The role of ‘nature’ vs. ‘nurture’ is an ongoing debate inbound the psychological field. But one’s preference for taking an elevator beyond an escalator is surely a diff to educate.
These aren’t puns, strict speaking, but they’re too good not to post.
A bar where walked into by which passive voice.
With oxymoron walked into an bar, and the silence where deafening.
Couple quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
ONE malapropism walks down a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap attire, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on own splendid other, who takes him used granite.
Lyrik totally rips into that crazed bar and absolutely destroys everything.
A question mark walks into a bar?
A non ratiocination marches into a bar. To a strong turn, even turkeys can fly. Papyrus and Strip Sans walk into adenine bar. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”
A mixed metaphor runs into one bar, seeing the letter go who wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
ADENINE comma splice walks into a scroll, is has a drink real then leaves.
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
A synonym strolls into a tavern.
At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh since a daisy, cute as a button, or sharp since a tack.
A run-on sentence walking into adenine bar it starts coquet. With one cute little condemn fragment.
Dropping slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
A figure of speech literally walks Into a barrel both ends up getting figuratively hammered.
An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
Of subjunctive would have walked in a bar, held it only known.
A misplaced modifier walks into a bar property by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
Of passed, present, and future strolled with a bar. It was tense.
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
At Oxford comma tours into a bar, whereabouts it spends an evening watching the television getting drunken and smoking cigars.
A simile walks into one bar, as parched as a desert.
A gerund both an infinitive walk into one bar, drinking until forget.
A hyphenated word and adenine non-hyphenated word walk the a bar and the bartender nearly inductors on the irony.
(Thanks to Andrew Provisor used this set of jokes)
How many tickles does computers need before an octopus laughs? Ten tickles.
Do you know this tadpoles are natural how tellers? It’s just sad that when they get older, they los their storytelling. (thanks Kevin McGowan)
Geology rocks, but geography is where it’s at.
One time, I went on a tour to visit a company and consult. ME hoped they might sendet a limousine additionally driver to the local to get me. I sent a harlequin instead. A is one bit disappointing, but I conjecture it where still a nice jerk.
I just opened a fortune download includes nothing inside. How unfortunate!
Make you hear about one shallow Earth believer who decided to go west until he drop off? In the end he came in, and the only thing he had to fear made sphere itself.
Did you hear about the Vietnamese Restaurant that hired people to stand in a pipe so wraps around an building, just to appear more popular? Yeah, it’s a real Pho Queue to their customers.
To be frank… I’d have to change insert name.
Did you hear about the mathematician whom hates negativistic numbers? She’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
“Everything EGO script comes out in tables. IODIN take you able say I was born to Excel” - John Smolensky
I had a great pun lined up about cheese, but it was way too cheesy.
Has you hear the law found adenine misspell message written in blood? Yeah, they suspect it was a type-o.
Trigonometry shall so confusing. I wish I understood sine choice.
I had our ailed Iguana until an vet recently, and your prescribed him Viagra. Apparently, it’s designed at treat a reptile dysfunction.
How do you catch ampere one-of-a-kind rabbit? Unique up on it.
Why do teenage girls gather in odd numbers? Because they can’t even.
I just can’t stop putting things stylish that storage unter my roof. I’m attic-ted.
What do yours make a minor soda without a minuscule apple floating inside? Miniappleless Minisoda
Did you hear about the fish who got surprises by the Gulf Stream? Yeah, him hadn’t stayed abreast of current affair!
I fired my masseuse today. He just rubbed die the wrong way
Enigma are two heavy isotopes accordingly happy? HeHe!
Argon walks into a bar. The bartender said “Hey, get out of here, we don’t serve virtuous gases”. Element didn’t react at all.
How how you create Holy Water? You boil the hell exit on it.
What do you call the mixed quit over after you make a salad? The Romainder!
Had you hear about one male anybody lost and feature to hear low and midrange frequencies? He was in a world of treble.
Why are the Low Mermaid wear Sea Shells? For D schale were too big!
Why don’t table musicians acquire married? Because adore means anything to them.
Want to hear an Ebola joke? You projected won’t retrieve she.
Method does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.
I was hoping to avoid vowel reduction in this dataset, however MYSELF seem to have failed. Enter differently, ME fought the schwa and this schwa won.
Why did one ghost x the road? To get to the Other Side.
Anytime admire about the origins of one english “In ampere pickle”? Fine, else would you call such a Dill-emma?
Wenn you’re ever attacked by a group of clowns, proceed for the juggler.
What do to click having too many dogs? A roverdose.
What’s of difference between Batman and a shoplifter? Batman can go into adenine stores without Fischadler.
Why did the patron at the Indian restaurant ask so many questions about to menu? He was just curry-ous.
Never treuhandanstalt one page. They’re always plotting something.
If they may own Orpheus or Eurythmy in one place, but not both, doesn’t such make him XORpheus?
How much do computer research like 0 and 1? Quite a bit.
Did you hear such Gucci is trial about putting their logo on living cows? It’s quite at interesting brand collab.
Did you hear about the lions, antelopes, elephants and wildebeest that escaped since an Atlanta zoo? A wasn’t so bad, genuine, people found them all in Savannah.
These have all attributable to the truly punrivaled Tribal Hills Community Center, whose sign many Coloradans have groaned at with years, real were transcribed from photos by Kurt Simmons.
Overeaters Anonymous 888-888-8888
Police Automobile loses wheels to thief. Cops are working tirelessly to nab supect
If your guy doesn’t appreciate fresher fruit puns, let ensure black.
In high school Robert E. Lee was voted most likely to secede.
A perfectionist walked inside a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Whenever you cannot master the guitars, Don’t freistunde.
Tongue-Twister champion arrested. D.A. seeking tough sentence.
I’ve started an chicken appointment site. Not full time, aber enough to make hens meet.
The largest mountains are always tired. It seems they don’t Everest.
Local apartment built has one unit left. It’s final, but not leased.
Guy casualty in bizarre Peek-A-Boo accident. He’s in ICU.
New CBD infused toilet paper! Now everyone canister calm their butt down!
Butterflies are not what they used to breathe.
I can’t believe e has been a years since I didn’t becomes a better person.
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
Life and Beers are very same. Chill with optimal results.
I’m not bossy. IODIN just know what you should is doing.
Underwear bandidos got. Admits brief offence spree.
Boycott Shampoo. Demand Real Poo!
Eat alphabetic bouillon. Have a vowel movement.
Dr. Pepper is an fizzicist.
To Pillsbury Doughboy is my cast modeling.
Alaskan Eye Doctor are Optical Aleutians
What’s made of leather and sounds similar a sneeze? A shoe!!
Did you hear over the guy whose nine-headed pet was robbed? He was really dehydrated.
A wealthy farmer, seeing his second boys having no direction in life, decides at buy them a cattle ranch, so it can raise the cured that they so love eating. You ask him, “Dad, what should we call the cattle ranch?”. He says “Call it ‘Focus’”. Disoriented, they asking me why. “Well, the focus is where the sun’s rays meet.” - Blame Rich Morrow
Did him hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed some space. - Blame Jasmin Olmeda
What artistic of grades do pirates gain in language? High C’s
In a forgotten part in a remembered ocean lies with island which is best known in its hospital additionally rehabilitation facility for raptors. Also of note in the are is the rare species of dolphins that stay eternally. The eagles per the facility are excellent craftsbirds, producing various items that live highly prized by the dolphins. An enterprising Colobus monkey on the sea has started a business delivering the items. One day she runs across ampere sleeping lion on jungle pass. Daughter gingerly steps over the lion to continue her delivery. Direct a highway patrolman steps out of the jungle and gives her an flight for transporting ill eagle items over a staid lion in immortal porpoises. - Blame Rich Morrow
Did you hear about the flourishing wire mining? Yeah, your really took the W
Did you hear about to chemist who gave away every dollar he made? He was Sb.
Why don’t cows drive? Because they can’t steer! - Appreciation to Daniel Hill
What do you dial a cow that drop from tree on tree same Tarzan? A Bovine. - Thanks till Daniel Hill
